Hobby Lobby and the Anti-Contraception Jesus

The owners of Hobby Lobby say they are passionate about bringing people to Christ and demonstrating Christian values. It's a good thing we have them around. Their employees, customers, and the world now know what Jesus was all about. They've been saving up their time and profits for this battle, and now we've arrived at the precipice. Under requirements of the Affordable Care Act, their female employees are getting new health benefits, and it turns out that they might use them for some evil pills.

In Hobby Lobby, we have reached the pinnacle of Christian leadership and witness in the fight for religious freedom. Never mind that people were once arrested, banished, and killed for their religious beliefs. Pity the fool who thinks that our ancestors not being able to worship in the way they chose even holds a candle to the tremendous burden placed on Hobby Lobby's religious freedom.

The Green family has worked hard to earn a profit off of beads, fake flowers and glue. What an assault it is to them that their female employees might use those profits to get a pill that doesn't work in the way the Christian faith requires. I was previously unaware of this requirement, but thanks to all the expert theologians around the Hobby Lobby's executive table, I now know that it's crucial to following Jesus that sperm and eggs never slow dance or kiss unless it's time to have children. They even have some medical experts too, and they're way ahead of the times. Even though the rest of the medical community debates exactly how pills like Plan B work, Hobby Lobby has the answer. The moment you have a zygote, you've passed the point of no return. They are showing they care by being there for their female employees where they need them most...in their bedrooms and during family planning conversations. Even if those naughty women insist on doing the nasty without the intention of having children, Hobby Lobby is there to make sure it goes the right away.

In fact, thanks to Hobby Lobby, many conservative evangelicals finally found their true selves and have realized that, all along, they've been Catholic cardinals at heart. That's right, friends, even though neither case the Supreme Court will be hearing was brought by a Catholic, we've realized they were right. Contraception is bad. In fact, Monty Python was right: every sperm is sacred. Some forms of contraception are an offense to religious sensibilities, and evangelical Protestants are now on board. We've all been awoken to the fact that it's not enough to stop abortion. We must make sure every zygote gets implanted. After all, we prefer to live in denial about the 50-60% of fertilized eggs that never implant. That's a lot of souls that end up in someone's toilet or underwear! Mother nature doesn't need our help disposing of any more! We need to hold out hope that we may yet reach that perfect, moral world where the law recognizes every zygote as a person and women who use IUDs or other effective forms of birth control are put where they belong: behind bars for first degree murder.

Of course, those of us on the inside know what this is really about. The deeper problem is that birth control is all about sexual promiscuity, a thing used only by "sexual libertines." Rick Santorum made this clear in a video interview once, saying, "[Contraception is] not OK, because it's a license to do things in the sexual realm that are counter to how things are supposed to be." The problem is that women have the audacity to have sex without the consent of morally upright Christians. Rush Limbaugh was right when he said that contraception access is for those who want to be promiscuous. Obstetricians and gynecologists make all these claims about other functions outside birth control, but come on, who believes them? Forget that research has shown that contraceptive use dramatically decreases abortion rates. Who believes that?! And as previous Pope Benedict XVI made clear several times, we can't get caught up in things like effective prevention and stopping the spread of disease if it makes us give up on our ideological purity. We must continue to teach only abstinence, that crucial and highly effective part of a teen's education in which we tell them, "Don't have sex. Because we said so."

How dare the Obama administration think that it's enough to give exemptions to churches and religious schools. The owners of for-profit businesses, who otherwise have to comply with all federal laws, want their exemption too! And in all honesty, it's helping some faith-based organizations find their souls. Wheaton College, a Christian school in Illinois, had previously covered contraception in their health plans, but when the mandate came out under Obama's healthcare law, it thankfully made them realize that contraception coverage is just unacceptable!

But here's the really exciting part for Hobby Lobby and their fans. If they win their legal battle in the Supreme Court next year, it will open the door for us to be able to stop many other shameful things in this country to which people have religious objections. If a for-profit business can disobey a law on religious grounds, there's no stopping the parties of God! 

You see, the Green family of Hobby Lobby have the message of Jesus figured out. The rest of us reading the Gospels have somehow gotten the idea that Jesus prioritized things like the Kingdom of God, sacrificial service, etc. We always thought that Jesus criticized the Pharisees for emphasizing doctrinal purity and religious rules, but thanks to Hobby Lobby, we've found the true Jesus. This Jesus is not a radical, despised by the religious establishment, but is among the powerful religious elite who invest their life's work in making the rest of society conform more closely to their religious rules. This Jesus is so angry about pills that he will proudly march right up to the highest court in the land, using his political clout and large wallet to fight this worthwhile battle. Thank goodness we've found this Jesus. The other one was too dissimilar from modern day Christians, and we were starting to get uncomfortable.

Oh, one more thing. I've got the inside scoop from the Hobby Lobby executives. This isn't the end; they're planning ahead. They've just been finishing up a Bible study on Judah and Tamar, and have been inspired and convicted by the way God put Onan to death for pulling out during sex and "spilling his semen." So men, get ready: you're next!

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Please don't quote me out of context. This is satire.